I used to get uncomfortable when, during normal conversation, someone would say “she’s so hot” or “he’s so sexy”. I used to get queasy with public displays of affection, whether it was holding hands or something more. When my high school friends started dating, I didn’t have any interest.

And for the longest time I thought I was broken. I was already in denial about mental health related symptoms (stay tuned for a future post), so I mostly lived in denial about this too. I focused on school. I got good grades, and soaked up enough biology to coast my freshman year of college.

I think the people around me thought I was probably a late bloomer. Eventually I’d come around and start dating like everyone else. I actually did have a girlfriend in college. But even that was awkward. I wanted to be her best friend, we had so much in common. I think she wanted a boyfriend. We were both shy and nerdy, we didn’t communicate well in certain ways. She used to say she’d be a spinster, an old cat lady. I never said it out loud, but in my head, I was screaming yeah, me too.

Oh yeah, I identify as asexual (or ace, as the ‘cool’ kids call it). I guess maybe I should have said that earlier. I didn’t figure that out ’til my thirties. You see, asexuality isn’t common knowledge and apparently its relatively easy to live on this planet for over thirty years without becoming aware of it.

The word asexual itself spoke volumes to me the moment I saw it on Twitter. I had a strong gut reaction to it. And then I proceeded to approach it like I approached many things back then, I bought myself a one-way ticket to the land of denial. I wasn’t worried about identifying as ace, but I was SUPER worried about what other people would think.

More than a year (and some very helpful therapy sessions) later, I’m comfortable identifying as ace. I’ve even come out to a few people, which has mostly gone over ok. That’s where I’m at now. I know I’d like to at least come out to a few other people, mostly family and close friends. Maybe at some point I’ll be ‘out’ in public. That gives me a lot of anxiety, as I wonder how people might treat me differently then. We’ll see.

Anyways, today is the start of Pride month. This isn’t me coming out as ace publicly. In some ways, it feels like failure, as I watch others come out publicly on my Twitter feed. But today, I choose to be happy. I am going to relish that I wrote this at all, that I’ve taken concrete steps to be a healthier me.

PS – I used to HATE writing journal style stuff, or writing about myself in almosy any capacity. But maybe that was because I didn’t know myself then. Because this wasn’t awful to pen.